Jokes!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."

The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I''ve just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I''ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Dang! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife…"



Last edited by Doctor Inferno on 2nd April 2008, 8:47 am; edited 1 time in total

hehe,


An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...??
?
?



The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
?
?



The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
?


?

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
??

Lmao......hehe!

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She’s a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the “birds and bees” talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Ugly: He’s your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Going to the office
Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Getting into fights
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

Answering mail honestly ? That's a new concept. Tough job, bein' an honest Santa. JW
If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....
*****************************************************
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy


Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about
I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his *** constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you
up with a Barbie.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
Scotch.

Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your *** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

Father of One of My Kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Sinners in Hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell. Let's call them Jerry, Kenny,
and Larry. They were a little confused at their present situation,
and were startled to see a door in the wall open. Behind the
door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was
3'4", dirty, and they could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil boomed out, "Jerry, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this
woman!" And Jerry was whisked through the door by a group of
lesser demons to his eternal torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both
jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more
disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall,
monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard again, louder than before,
"Kenny, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of
eternity in bed with this woman!" And Greg, like Jerry, was whisked
off, screaming and scratching, to his doom.

Larry, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the
worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open,
he strained to see the figure of...Cindy Crawford! Delighted,
Larry jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman,
barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of
the Devil booming: "Cindy, you have sinned..."

........lol!

Good ones, Jade! You crack me up!

Gandalf131 wrote:

Good ones, Jade! You crack me up!

Thanks Gandalf!

Marriage Counseling

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments,
a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their
marriage was to try professional counseling. They had been at
each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their
last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped
right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be
the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything
to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour
describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After five, ten,
fifteen minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over
to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately
for several minutes, and sat her back down.

After that, the wife sat there - speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at
what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least
twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "Okay, I can have her
here by three o'clock on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Going to bed the other night I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.

A minute later I rang again. " "Hello, " I said, " I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them."

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed. One of the offices said: "I thought you said you'd shot them." to which I replied: " I thought you said there was no one available."

By Scanner65

Only in Australia...hehe

Australians NEVER die...
they just stay down under!


An American, an Englishman, and an Australian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Englishman and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Englishman drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the Australian. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he said that in England we have so many Australians we never have to drink with the same ones twice.

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove 50% of your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've removed 80%". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
New Zealander: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
New Zealander: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar"

What do Superman and South Australia have in common?
They both have an Iron Knob.

HaHa! I like the first joke

but i don't get the last one...

They're great Scanner, but the last joke should be

What do Superman and South Australians have in common?

lol

European English:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

In a minute..

A man who wanted to talk to god, climbed to the peak of the highest mountain.. he asked god "Dear Lord, how long is a minute to you?", "A minute in heaven is a million years on earth, why do you ask my child." replied god.
The man spoke again.. "Dear lord.. could you make me the richest man on earth? it shouldn't be a problem to you since you are the creator of all.." God replied... "Sure, No problem... in a minute..."

A request from a Non-Christian...

A hunter, who didnt believe in god, went hunting one day...
As he was walking, a bear suddenly jumped out from the side, raised its paws and was about to slice the hunter's throat when the hunter screamed out "HELP ME LORD!!"
Time froze and a Loud but soothing voice replied.. "You have never believed in me, so why do you request that i help you when your life is in danger.", the hunter quickly replied "Dear lord, please save me.. i promise to become a christian after this.."
God replied again.. "I am sorry, i cannot help you because you are not a christian..." the hunter thought quickly and spoke in desperation.. "Dear lord, if you cannot save me then please make the bear a christian.."
time resumed but the bear did not attack the hunter.. the bear stopped in its tracks and knelt down to pray.. it prayed "Dear Lord, please bless the food infront of me.."

s this really your third marriage?

Sure is.

What happened to your first two wives?

They died.

How did your first wife die?

She ate some poisonous mushrooms.

What about your second wife?

She died from a severe skull fracture.

How did she get a skull fracture?

She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a
condom about to give his wife some.
Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says,
"Whatcha doin' Daddy?"
Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the
floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says.
Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, f*#* it?"

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in
the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started
to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he
said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you
wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."
"OK, I wish for a billion dollars"
"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis
courts, everything"
"Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"
The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a
stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."